Would I calm her down by throwing stones at her!

Here is perhaps the worst song ever recorded. I have dubbed it "The A-Bomb" over at Ann Althouse's Blog.

A little background. It's my junior year in college, 1991. One of my friends, Robert, was a big believer in the Rolling Stone album review staff. For him, they were THE authority on music, good vs bad. If the album received a five star rating, Tower Records in Fresno would be sure of at least one sale, such was Rob's almost religious confidence in the RS reviews. Rob would soon learn of the consequences of blind trust in anything Rolling Stone.

In an issue released early that year, the reviewers gave a "Best Of" album a "Five Star" rating. The group was an old sixties act called "The Move". Hardly anyone stateside would know of them, but they would, with drummer Bev Bevan and later Jeff Lynne in this project, later become the creative core of ELO. Lots of good music from them, so "The Move" would have to show a spark things to come. Right? One would think.

Well, upon purchasing the album, Rob headed to his house to play this RS anointed "Great collection of fine songs". I got a call from him demanding that I must hear this album. He wouldn't tell me why, but he was laughing on the phone as he made his request. Ten minutes later we were in front of my speakers, stereo remote in hand, finger on the CD play button. I couldn't believe my ears. The music coming from the speaker cones was, by far, the worst thing I had ever had the "joy" of listening to. It was soooo bad I had to hear the whole collection. The whole of the album comes across as something of a disk that mysteriously and unfortunately managed to escape to our universe from an alternate dimension, as the band sounds like The Shaggs on a bad acid trip. In this universe, instead of joining forming Black Sabbath, Ozzie Osbourn sings for the Demented Archies instead.

There are two songs that stand out as being the most merciless bad things ever burned into a vinyl disk. One is called “Disturbance”. It starts out somewhat OK, but devolves into a screaming, grunting mess at the end, as if to prove the character being described in the is really insane. But the piece de resistance is a song called “(Here We Go Round) The LemonTree. Here is the song. Here are the lyrics. Enjoy!

There's a girl next door to me who's round the bend
But she wonders why she can't make any friends
From her garden she could see me
In her silver plaid bikini
Singing, dancing round her fruit

Here we go round the lemon tree
Mister can you hear me
Here we go round the lemon tree
Mister don't come near me

Would I calm her down by throwing stones at her
If only I could make the right approach to her
Think I'd rather tame the tiger
Turn those lemons into cider
Still I'd like to get beside her

CHORUS

(silly bridge with violins)

Morning came and into action went my plans
Went to meet her dressed in bright green underpants
I crept in and sang discretely
Seemed to change her mind completely
Danced together singing sweetly

Here we go round... blah, blah, blah


Sad thing is the more I listen to it, the more I start to like it. This must be some cruel form of brainwashing!